Flood of Emotion

I am emotionally flooded right now.  My soul feels like a small fish swimming in a large ocean.

When you stand at the edge of the ocean and realize how small you are, you realize how fragile you are, how totally temporary, and you wonder if you matter.

I am on the edge of a major professional milestone.  I can see the end. This is good, and yet I do not even know how to feel.

I have spent the two years gestating, growing, birthing, nursing, feeding, loving... everything but me. 

I am out of touch with my passion, my fire.

I have mastered naps, baby schedules, and development. Those things are only part of me though. My exhaustion and my tasking has left me sort of empty.

I seek many many things that I think will fill me. Nothing seems to feel right, or wrong, or inbetween.

I am very confused, and feeling very small and empty, even though my arms have never been as full as they are today.

I press into my Savior in hopes that He alone will save me from myself.

Two sets of twins!!!

Did you read that and mentally GASP because you thought maybe Lisa was having more twins?

Sorry to dissapoint, but I am not with-child in any sort of way. (Unless you count a dissertation as a child, because then YES! I'm expecting!  My 120 page APA formatted child should be born any day now.) 

Anyway, two sets of twins is what I am confessing to you to be a secret fear of mine. I think I have good reason, and I will explain.

About two years ago,  right before my twin pregnancy I started getting these nagging feelings about twins.  I saw twins every where, heard about twins, saw twins on billboards, in movies and get this- I dreamed about twins.

I talked myself out of the ridiculousness that this was some "sign."  I mentally debated whether signs were real, and whether God would actually speak to me. Meanwhile, I dreamt about a set of twins, and in my dreams I could never see their faces, but I was usually holding their hands and we were on a beach.  I knew they were mine.

I would recount this to my husband who blamed my active imagination and reassured me we would only have one baby at a time.  This situation warrants a big fat:  Itoldyouso!!!!

Now that we have twins, I keep seeing/hearing/thinking about people randomly having two sets of twins.  I'm scared dear readers, really really scared. How could one body pump out four babies in two pregnancies? What if this will be our life??? How will I survive?

I might not survive. really, I would probably perish from the lack of sleep, or they would breastfeed me into oblivion.  The divorce rate for parents of multiples is high too.  (think: Jon and Kate plus 8, Jon went crazy, Kate was a Nazi. And I really can get understand and sympathize with why that all happened).

Please notice this mom's bad post-baby haircut and mom jeans. I WILL NOT BECOME THIS!

So, please if you care about me, stop mentioning me having more twins.  This idea is stalking me and for now I'll be taking precautions by staying an arms length away from my husband at all times.

Psychology

Being a Psychologist is really cool. I get to hear lots of people talk about lots of stuff. It's a rare window into the private view of a person's world.  I consider it a real privilege. seriously.

Another cool thing about being a psychologist is that people ask me questions all the time regarding  stuff like : how to deal with their psychotic mother-in-law, their neurotic tendencies, a crazy dream, relationship issues, parenting questions, criminal profiling, medications... etc.  Sometimes I can answer some of these questions, sometimes not.

I love psychological dialogue so I will be writing a weekly column about some psychology topic that YOU want to talk about.  I need your help though, I need you to email me (see the link to the left of this sentence) about something that you have always wondered about or need advice on. I will then respond to your (anonymous and disguised) question with some information, and maybe even some humor.

Ok readers, think now about the insane dream you had once, your "friends" weird shoe fetish maybe? how about your crazy neighbor who watches you from behind her mini-blinds? No topic is off limits. Bring on the crazy!  Email me and your question may be the next featured topic of this blog!

Love, in abundance.

Love in abundance is what I have in my home.  Actually, in my life. That is why I chose to title my blog this way.  It's true folks, and here is the proof:

I have more friends that I can keep up with, my in-town extended family requires a table for 10 when going to a restaurant- (that's almost Duggar style), I have more than one kid (that were, ahem, inside my uterus at the same time), two dogs who still love me even when I forget to feed them, 3 degrees, six parents (ask me about that later), six grandparents, and some people say my pantry could feed a third world country for at least a couple of days.

I am a lucky girl. Really, I am.  I love to count my blessings even though you will often find me whining. But I'm not bragging about my abundance, seriously, because thats a little obnoxious.  But, having SO much comes with lots of responsibilities. Like, for example, Emily Post would probably like to beat me with her wooden spoon/fountain pen if she knew how bad I am at thank you notes. Or, birthdays. yikes, lets not even talk about those.  (PROCLAMATION: this post serves as a public apology to all the birthdays, anniversaries, and special days that I have undoubtedly forgot, please accept my sincere apology and know that I love you even though I failed to let you know I care. i'msorryandthankyouinadvanceforyourforgiveness).

Every day I see people who ask me the same question over and over:
"Golly gee Lisa Mazzio, How in the world do you do it? If I had your life I would be a disaster!" 

The truth of the matter is that I don't do it that well (have you seen my closet? omg). I do a whole lot of bare minimums and mediocrity. I plan on confessing all this to you, dear reader, eventually. It is my goal to one day become an efficiency rock star, and I'm slowly figuring out my own methods.  All the things I love in my life typically require some love from me. Whether its my career, my kids, my husband, or my closets.  I'm hoping this explanation of the blog title is coming full circle for you now.

Happy reading...

hello? anyone out there?

Blogging is this relatively new thing that cool kids in the 21st century do. Think about the history of publishing written material (in my limited, historically based mind):

• Ancient Days, pen and ink, usually a monk writing in a silent empty candlelit room.
• Invention of the printing press with a person typesetting each letter of each word
• Typewriters and copiers next gave way to faster production, but someone needed to decide your stuff was worth reading
• Digital Age where mass production was possible, someone is still sitting in some high rise deciding the merits of your work (visualize: the movie Elf, the scene where Walter, Buddy's Dad, is reading the to-be-published children's book saying "THIS IS NO GOOD!"
• Blogging world, a free for all, with no Walter sitting behind a mahogany desk telling me "THIS IS NO GOOD", no one edits anyone (which really is unfortunate for the world, have you seen some of the writing people put out there?) but it means that anyone can say anything, including me. 

Blogging is a platform that requires nothing but guts.  And I'm wondering if I have the guts needed to let you, my dear readers (or reader? there may be only one of you out there) into this female brain of mine.  I have an interesting life for sure, wait, at least I think so. And that is PRECISELY the problem.  Is my life any more interesting than any other regular lady out there?  Possibly? But then again, that just feels so narcissistic.  I don't know blog world, this could get weird.

I'm still thinking it over, but I'm hoping I can: entertain you, answer the most asked question "How do you do it? "  (referring to my BOGO baby brood), intrigue you with my strange mix of conservative/liberal/worldly and psychoanalytic/reformed Christian mind, invite you into the jungle I call marriage, and let you in on some things I've learned and am learning in my limited life span.   Oh, also, I'm not going to slap up cute picture after cute picture of my darling little munchkins, trust me. I know that wobbly toddlers with slobbery graham cracker crumbs and bed heads are only cute for so long.  

Its going to be a nice balance of who I really am: wife, mom, laundress, psychologist, daughter, cook, dog trainer, worker, sex kitten (just kidding!), comedienne, and friend. 

This could be the last first post you ever read on this blog, but pull up a chair and a Diet Dr. Pepper and check back every so often. mmkkk? thanks.

new blog

under construction!!!